i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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