from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
