i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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