my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
