Just fell off a train. Bad.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
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You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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