It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's rum buckets o'clock
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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