Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
