I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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