We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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