What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
