I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
