hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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