Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
