Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
