I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
