her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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