Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
