I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
