and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
