The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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