Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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