Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
