That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
