TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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