May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize