My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Holy shit dude........stairs
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
