so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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