woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
