Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
