my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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