Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
