i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
