I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
