Can i not drive my cunt home
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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