I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
