I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
