It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
