It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
