I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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