Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
why is half of my head shaved?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
