I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
