i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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