i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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