3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
