awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
