So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
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I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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