I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
