your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I will be naked everywhere
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
