i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
