I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
