Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
