either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
