Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
