Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
