Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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