I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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