my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you traded sex for a burrito?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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